Meet Madonna's own Zahara

...hello David Banda. There's been quite a bit of incredibly boring hoohah, but I have a feeling that what Madge wants, she gets. I have a feeling this is going to directly correlate with a separation between Madge and Guy...Billy Bob Thornton-style. Mark my words.

with this one.

Umm...

I know Kelly is a singer not a model blah blah...but I don't think the gettup would look good on any one... It's like Liza Minelli meets Aretha Franlin meets lady from the shopping network that sells the bedazzler.

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Stepford era hath endeth

...I think we all saw it coming some years ago...but still, now it's official.

Move over Tara!

...there's a new horrific breast-implant owner in town. Miss Ivanka Trump. These humps are 'lovely' lady...mountains.

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Warning

Don't look into Nhilton's eyes...looking straight into an empty souless mental cavity can cause serious damage to your health.

Anyone that can find a melody in this wins a prize

Ever wondered what would happen if Gwen Stefani mated with Beyonce and the child grew up to have a lobotomy along with a few serious sexuallytransmitted diseases? Fergie tackles that question head on.

Stepford-esque

They're like those creepy neighbours who look so perfect on the outside....but you just know they've got a collection of baby skeletons underneath their floorboards...and that if you go to a certain public toilet you'll find the husband at it George Michael style.

The world has officially gone insane

This was a model at the Ashley Paige show during LA Fashion Week...when exactly did this kind of thing become cool?

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Some Eric Bana outakes to spice up your weekend

I'll take the outakes any day.

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The secret of Lindsay's coke stash revealed!

...it's either coke or cock...and personally, for the sake of my mental health, I'm going with the former. I'm out of town for two days...so I'll let you ponder :)

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David Letterman torture trial

...money may indeed buy you happiness and comfort...but it doesn't solve the problem of mental retardation. I'm not the biggest fan of Letterman but I have a newfound appreciation of him. Talking to Nicky Hilton is like talking to a brick wall that's been smashed up several times and might be in a coma.

Hope the parties you go to this weekend have a better guest list!!!

...it's pretty bad when Holmbie looks like the normal one...she must be feeling that living with Tom isn't so bad after all. Have a swell weekend folks...and stay away from the creepy old man and the trouty anorexic. By now I'm guessing I don't need to warn you about the Scientologists I'm sure.

Floppy hats and orange bags are en Vogue

...the fact that Michael Jackson is opting or stilettos doesn't really surprise or bother me...but why on earth is his daughter Lindsay Lohan's twin? What was Debbie doing?

My girl Stam does the cover of W (o.k...jewelry)

Honestly...I'm so sick of these low grade "actresses" on magazine covers talking about bulimia, botched boob jobs, or breakups...it is seriously the time to bring back the model. It's their core competence...and they generally have very little to say.

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Lavigne has smashed things around

...verdict?

Jessica provides us with another powerful video

...not entirely sure what it's about...but I think it depicts the tragic tale of a transvestite who suffers from random epileptic seizures...at one point he/she cuts her hair...and then the rest seems to be shot in jail...generally the quality expected from such a profound artist.

Paris is a human flip book

Paris wants to remind us that although the Richie/Hilton feud may have endeth...she's still hot damn ghetto baby... she's ready to sleep, surf, and walk on the moon simulataneously...which is always a handy thing.

What's happened to RoseMcGowan?

Girlfriend used to have a Von Teese thing happening...nowadays she's looking more like her ex-boyfriend. Geesh, does noone want to be allowed on the Barcelona catwalks?

Old Hollywood is the new drug/bulimia cover story

I don't know what it is...Natalie Portman is giving Audrey a red-hot go, Holmbie is desperately trying to look like Katherine Hepburn, and George Clooney is (rather poorly) giving Carey Grant a go. I'm not even going to comment on Gemma Ward's alienesque Grace Kelly interpretation.

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She may be real, but is she alive?

I know living with a permanent skelton must cloud your perspecitve a little bit on the issue, but someone needs to remind JLo that her time to to shine isn't until the 31st of October. No need to scare the poor kids yet.

Scarlett and Ditta Flaunt it

This is a pretty hot photoshoot from Flaunt magazine. I don't know how Scarlett managed to skip the teen-queen phase...but it's turned out for the best.

Katie and Tom hit Paris!

Someone needs to tell Katie her glasses aren't quite working for her. Tom is short as usual...and I have to say he's looking a little gaunt, but the Paris style seems to be doing him well...the shoes are hot Tom. Shoes.are.hot.

Anna Nicole weds Howard K Stern

I can't say much about the woman because girlfriend just lost her son...but my rule of thumb is, if your wedding photos look like bad porn snaps (bad costume dept and money shot included)...then perhaps it's a little too early to wed.

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no thanks!

When the photoshop budget at "Kiss Me!" magazine started running perilously low, the art director decided to splash some cash on Hollywood starlet who wouldn't need the plebian touch up technology...but as she looked at the finished cover...she began to think that maybe this wasn't going to exactly compete with Harpers ...

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The proof is in the putty

I didn't really notice this one but it makes sense. Ol' Scarlett was the plainest Jane in Ghostworld and then all of a sudden she looked amazing...much like Angelina when Tomb Raider came out. The reason for both of the beauties' transformation has been course, some subtle but costly hammering around.
'Tis a slow news day folks.

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Brooke Hogan gets some help

FMH magazine obviously wanted to help me keep my lunch down. They've photoshopped Brooke Ho-gan out of obliviion...and I am one grateful observer.

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Poor Robo-Posh

...it was nearing midnight when the poor lass realised she was low on the 'revitalising human potion' she'd managed to procure from that lovely Dr Jekyll.

Jessica Simpson stays constant

I said a while a go that Jessica was looking like Joan Rivers...the truth is...she wishes she looked 1/4 as good as old Joaney.'It' used to annoy me but now...'it' totally gives me the creeps.

Holmes is looking better

Looks like the thetan purging is doing her a bit of good finally...fake pregnancy so didn't suit her. In other much more important news a study? has revealed that Tom Cruise has perfect legs...of course.