Why bother making up stuff about out Gwyneth?

Who is this "spy"?...I think it's safe to say that it's Gwyneth's PR agent is trying to revive her career with talk about her breasts.

The story goes that Gwyneth told her "old chum" Orlando that she is pregnant after he said something her about the increased size of her breasts. She then just:

"laughed and said, 'I know they are big. I can't believe it. It's amazing, isn't it? It's the best thing about being pregnant. I love the way I look!'"

and then babbled on about not wanting Chris to miss any of it. I bet Gwyneth came up with the 'thrilling' concept for this storyboard.

Kate...what's going on?

O.k...I (and apparently the rest of the fashion world) can totally forgive Kate Moss for coking herself up and having the dodgiest boyfriend around...but what on earth is she doing hanging out with Lindsay Lohan? I think this might prove to be the strongest test of our love. I, like a beat up wife who keeps on coming back again and again...am going to go with the drug-induced hallucinations excuse.

(credit)

The Award goes to...Restylane

Keira's up for a Golden Globe nomination. My goodness...what is it with doing an English period film that makes everyone think that some how...you can act...putting on old clothes, pouting around, and giggling does not a good actress make. Keira's "Elizabeth Brennet" in Pride and Prejudice...was as stomach turning as Gwyneth's Viola in Shakespeare in Love...

...and I think that's that worst thing I've ever said about anyone's acting ability...which is saying something.

(credit)

Congratulations Michelle!!!

Well, let's just say that Dawson's Creek wasn't so great for the guys in terms of long-term careers, and wasn't so great for the girls in terms of the game of "who your baby daddy???"...but at least Michelle is giving the career a bit of a go...she's gotten a Golden Globe nomination for her role in Brokeback Mountain...so at least she'll have a bit of money to fall back on when Heath totally dumps her for a Sienna Miller lookalike...next month.

Rudolph's Cousin Sienna, the Splotchy Orange Reindeer

Well, she's back with Jude, her father has threatened to kill him if he ever cheats on her again...and she appears to believe her father is an effective anti-cheat mechanism for Jude...she's never looked happier...or oranger.

(credit)

Kate Moss is Still Hangin' in there

Kate Moss has been named 2005's Best Dressed Woman by Grazia Magazine. I have to say that is this a list also includes Jennifer M-Aniston (I wear jeans...wow)and Kiki Dunst...so...I'm not sure about validity of it...but who cares? She's still the coolest girl in the world. Coke on I guess.

Umm...Dennis

Yo Dennis...umm....I'm not exactly sure we were on the same wavelength when we had our talk last week ....when I said tone it down and try to dress more like Angelina Jolie...this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

Colin Farrell's career has taken a dive....

...so naturally, he's doing what any self-respecting trashy publicity-whore does and has dutifully checked himself into a random clinic that deals with exhaustion and an addiction to prescription drugs...I'm guessing his new film "Miami Vice" is going to totally tank.

Angelina's Ex-Girlfriend gives Brad another reason to stick around

Brad beware! Angelina is a lesbian. Or at least, that's what her ex-girlfriend, Jenny Shimizu is saying. Oh come on...like Brad cares...you know he's with her for the kinky stuff that Jennifer M-Aniston wasn't diggin'. Besides...Saint Angelina would never engage in that kind of un-godly bahaviour...We all know that any lesbian sex she engaged/s in was probably part of some bigger and secret master plan to help save a starving nation...or something.

Jessica Simpson is the New Armani

Wow...I can't get over how awesome the range from Jessica Simpson's clothing line is...The main selling point for me is...the amazing versatility and practicality of the stuff...you could wear this kind of stuff anywhere, and always feel fabulous. Macy's here I come!


This jacket is only $220.00!




(credit)

How Much Are they Paying David Bowie

Last time, some of you noticed David Bowie at Isabella Cruises' soccer game...and...he's back. I want to know how much they're paying this guy to attend...surely he can try to put out another "Best Of" album and get free of this Scientology hold.


...and I don't want an crazy, that's his mother stories either... :)

Kate Beckinsale Saves her Husband some Money.

First of all, whenever 'celebrities' begin to speak of their marriage in Playboy magazine...you know that the relationship is heading to an end. I guess they figure that while they're losing each other, they may as well gain some publicity before the divorce really places them onto prime time.

This time, it's Kate Beckinsale. She's so nice, she saves her husband from the high cost of Internet porn and strips off for her guy via webcam...when she's away making...movies?...She certainly seems like a very assertive girl, she says of the webcam idea:

"It was Len's idea and he set them up. He tells me what to wear each evening. It
really helps our relationship."

She then goes onto explain:

"There's no way we are keeping it clean. That's the whole point. It's just like when you get a photocopier and you just have to do one of your bum. It's just one of those rules of life."

...which makes me think Kate is an excellent good candidate at explaining Shakira's album cover...and could definitelybe able to hack being Mariah Carey's bathroom assistant.

NY Wishes You the Swellest of Weekends

Hey My Sweets,

Well, as you know, I'm now graduated and idle...and what better for a new G.I. than to go to N.Y for a tad, in order to fully enjoy my G.I. status while I can? I'm flying out tomorrow, and I'll be there for six weeks. I'm pretty confident the blog will be operating as usual during that period...and hope to report back as usual on Monday.
Anyone that wants to save me from a full-time business job and give me a hot, writer-y, interesting internship/job...just holla :) haha.
love,
elisa

O.K.Shakira...put the apple down...slowly.

O.k...I understand that this is Shakira we're talking about...and that not much of what she says/writes ever makes sense...but seriously. What's happening here? Am I missing something? I have a feeling this was taken by the same photographer who came up with the brilliant and classic Mariah Christmas shoot.

O.k...so she's Eve presumably...and...the little kid has... and Oral Fixation of sorts? Or is it a supposed to be a kid-snake? Or God? I think a dead dog hanging around somewhere would make this whole thing a lot clearer for me.

(credit)

Britney Spears is Dickmatised.

Am I struggling to find news? Indeed I am :) To steal an expression from MichaelK, Britney Spears is totally Dickmatised. She's taken K-Fed back...bad rapping and all. Apparently the guy was begging for her...and his car back. This guy's penis is obviously bigger than her brain.

J-Lo sends Ben and Jen a letter-bomb

Well..the article reckons that it's a package of "goods"...whatever. I would have someone test every food item and inspect the 'baby clothes' for arsenic...there's no way that's a good-will present there.

They reckon that makeup is for a movie...we know the truth.

Naomi took on role of King Kong Script Unseen

...as if that's some big surprise. Naomi Watts might be cute, but the only thing she really had to her name was what on earth happened in this thing? Mullholland Drive, a failed relationship with Creep Ledger...and a car speeding down the highway to 40. She would've taken Showgirls II script unseen as well if the opportunity had come.

(credit)

Gwyneth Hates Those Fireman Sissies

This news is a couple of days old...but somehow my Gwen-hate radar went down for a while. Gwyneth thinks that Americans are pathetic in the way they dealth with 9/11. She much prefers the stiff upper-lip style of the English.

"I find the English amazing how they got over 7/7...There were no multiple memorials with people sobbing as they would have been in America...There, they are constantly scaring people but at the same time, people think nothing of going to see a therapist."

What does scaring people and seeing a therapist have to do with anything? But anyway...to the important points...people sobbing!...crying!...can you imagine? Damn weaklings! When I grow up, I wanna be just like I Gwyneth, and never cry at anything...

Nicole and DJ AM call it Quits as well

The engagement's off kids...I guess the minister wasn't really feeling all that comfortable marrying two people whose combined weight doesn't equal that of one average person. Are any couples going to make it throught the 2005 festive season intact?

Paris and her STDs are totally overjoyed.

(credit)

Elisita's "How to Be a Boring Drama Queen" Tips

Tip #526894

In one of our previous tips, we explained how you should wait until your ex-husband finds a more attractive woman with kids...and how to proceed. Now me move onto making sure you sue a couple of photographers, look really creepy/mannish on ALL magazine covers...oh! and don't forget to burn your wedding dress in a really over-the-top cheesy ceremony around the fire, making sure you invite all your boring, sychophantic friends.