Breasts are the new black

I don't know what Beyonce is playing at. I think she's trying out a different variation of the Janet Jackson waldrobe malf...whatever...boring. Jodie Marsh though...now there's my hero. Little girls all around the world should be looking up to Saint Jodie as a idol to model themselves on. If your hips get too big for your belt...you know what to do girls!

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Hey...what's photoshop again?

...I don't know...and Pammy doesn't either.

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I didn't get the memo...

Car door, black belt over white blouse. Wow...that's pretty complex and intense. Consider me rushing out right now to get this ensemble so I can be a la mode...just like Paris.

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Britney tries a Demi Moore

Britney posed for these shots which were due for next month's Harpers Bazaar. Apparently though she's canned the shoot from being published (just reading around and this may not be true). The photos have been leaked from somewhere. Personally, I think being pregnant and posing nude is a fantastic way to keep the press at bay.

(sorry, this post was due out yesterday...but my computer had a complete and utter meltdown)

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Welcome Mrs and Mrs Urban!

All Keith's thinking about is, now that he's in the fold...how long it will take to "meet" Tom.

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Burberry takes Kate back

Gemma is o.k. for a bit...but Kate is for keeps.

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Baby Suri must be seriously deformed

...baby Suri must be ugly indeed...if she exists. She attracted less interest than Britney's disgusting flipflops on eBay... Some magazine offered $3million for the pictures...but L.Ron thought that figure was too cheap for his spawn. I also have a feeling that People magazine got a little scared that their readers wouldn't quite see the charm in Tom's dark, obscure pictures of Area 51.

Naomi keeps on hitting her hired help

Naomi's been at it again. Another maid...Ms Gaby Gibson is now accusing Campbell of "personal injuries," "employment discrimination," "civil assault," "civil battery" and other complaints. Naomi needs to start eating or take up a nice hobby...like becoming a pop star a la Paltrow.

Someone shoot William Orbit

Honestly...this is just what I need. Gwyneth 'singing' again. Her attempt at "Cruisin'" left me traumatised for life...if she releases her alleged single I doubt this blog will ever be the same again. This producer Orbit guy is apparently telling her that she's a great singer...noone mentions that the man is deaf. Truth is, the woman sings about as well as she acts...and that's probably the worst insult I've ever siad of anyone's voice.

It's all in the accessories

I've found someone that makes Teri Hatchet look fabulous. Screw diamonds...bizarre looking, large breasted older-women have always been a girl's best friend. I always try to keep one on hand at parties. Hey...it's a slow news day. What can I say?

German Magazines are like me...on steroids

Wow...there are a lot of great things I can say about Posh Spice...the plastic hair...the bad nose...the odd breasts...but cellulite? Bild magazine (one of the roughest around) appears to have photographic proof. Right...I think you have a much better chance at finding brain cells...and that's kinda saying something.

Freddie and Sarah Michelle on the rocks

Who knows if this is true? Who cares if this is true? Why are these rumours going around just when both of these guys' projects need a bit of a publicity boost? It's a shame I suppose as they both seemed boring enough to make it...but alas...I guess Sarah has had enough and is in search for a heterosexual man so she can join the Hollywood baby-craze. I'm also sensing a new U.N ambassadorship or something.

Nicole finally got hitched to Urban

Honestly...Nicole, homosexual men and marriage just seem to be a magnetic trio...and Dad or not...I wouldn't want that guy sitting next to me...

Paris is an incredible fashion innovator

Wow...really cool half gloves...a perfect accompaniment to a beautiful plastic belt. Unfortunately...I don't think many of us have the sufficient STD-quota to totally pull this look off...but we can try, yes, we can certainly try.

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Kate Bosworth is fat

...I think...

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Pete to publish his diaries.

Pete's jorunals (he's written 20 volumes) are going to be published next year. He says:

"I've always wanted to have a book published and it's all very exciting for me personally," he said in a statement. "I am very happy ... to share a bookshelf with H.G. Wells, Ian Rankin and Stan Bowles."

Hmm...I wonder what they'll be like.

Day 1
Dear Diary,
Woke up I think...just about ready for my crack hit. Need to jab a bit more heroin into me though.

Day 2
Dear Diary,
I think I had sex with Kate yesterday. I don't know. There was white stuff everywhere but I'm pretty sure that was coke. Just off to smoke a few joints and snort a few more lines until I pass out.

Day 3
Dear Diary,
I went to rehab today...well I almost got there and then realised that I'd only packed my second favourite bong...so I went back to get my favourite one...then had a few vodka shots to get me ready...but after my heroin hit I kind of forgot about where I was going. Tomorrow though.

Kate Bosworth looks hot

White is obviously the colour of choice for aliens this week.

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Tom Cruise is L Ron Hubbard!

Tom Cruise is looking hot as! I'm feeling his whole gettup...it's like late-night preacher meets P Diddy........meets crazy alien freak. He's totally preparing to be the real bride at Keith Urban's wedding.

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Jessica Simpson has Hollywood's favourite body...

According to InStyle anyway...right...

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Go Australia!!!

A little off topic....
They said we wouldn't even qualify for the cup...now we've played Japan, Brazil, and Croatia to get into the second round! Go Socceroos! Australia here is going completely soccer-mad. The early mornings are killing everyone...but still.

I undersand exactly how Kate feels

Kate Bosworth has said that she was intimidated by the role of Lois Lane...so she decided to analyse her idols to get a feel for the role.

‘I watched a lot of Katharine Hepburn movies. I wanted to draw from actresses who conducted themselves with strength and poise.'

I know how you feel Kate! Before I type out anything in my blog I always have a quick read-through some Wharton, Dickens, and Faulkner to really get a sense of how to compose my posts.

p.s. no posts tommorrow, as I'll be out of town :)

Oh Danni Danni Danni

Honestly...no wonder Australia has always totally rejected you. At first she was trying to be Kylie...then she tried to be Pamela Anderson...and now she's going for a Gwen/Harajuku affair. Honestly...girlfriend needs to calm the hell down and do what other Aussie no talents to do in the U.K...do the reality tv circuit and marry a large breasted page 3 models.

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Beautiful Love

Jenny: Dude...why the hell did you make me dress up?...This isn't the runway I was expecting.I've even put on my special shoes...y'know...the ones where I painted the clear heel black, so that they don't look like they came from my hooker days.
Jim: Chill baby. You gotta stay focused. Sure...it may look like we're wandering aimlessly around the airport tarmac...but this is all part of my master publicity plan to become the new Resse and Ryan. It's gunna happen for us baby.
Jenny: Is that why you've opted for the creepy "I'm a cool 40 year old dad" hair look?
Jim: Damn straight it is!
Jenny: Are you sure we don't just look like old has-beens?
Jim: Baby...you're not even a has-been...but that's o.k. because you've got a nice rack.
Jenny: Awww. You're so sweet.
Jim: Look...our plan is already working! Here's a fan coming to greet us on a luggage cart. He looks pretty dan excited too!
Jenny: He's totally coming because he like totally finds me hot.

"Fan": Hi umm...I've been told to remove Kfed's father from the tarmac...and uhh...Ms Tara Reid? ye...please come with me as well.

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Well...at least the stars are blind

There was a time when I thought Paris was vaguely, artificially pretty. Seriously...I must of been on more crack than Whitney. Have a hot weekend kids!

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Let's all whore out our children together!

Everyone's either pregnant or just given birth. Jack Black, Matt Damon have all become dads...Tobey Maguire is set to become one soon...The first thing they all do is sell their baby pictures. I love Gwen so I'm having a hard time snarking on her...but seriously. People need to take a more Cruise-esque approach...actually...I take that back.

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Who needs crack when you've got church?

Crack is whack...but Jesus and white hats are back!

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Toni Braxton needs to calm the hell down

Honestly...Dak-ston's cry for attention is getting old. The first time it was vaguely amusing...the second time...not so much. I don't know who the hell she's trying to impress...the men around her are gay and the crowd just wants to get on with the soccer...FYI that involves balls Dakston...not your pesky offerings.