Joe Simpson-Hefner

Joe Simpson (Ashlee and Jessica's father) manages to freak me out every.single.time.

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The Spears-Line Chronicles

Well...I'll be honest with you folks. I'm not sure what's going on...all my 8th grade biology knowledge tells me that men cannot be pregnant...and yet...the evidence presented in front of me directly contradicts my entire base of knowledge on the subject...I think I'm going to have a quiet word with my old teacher Mr Wilcott and get back to you guys.

In other news...Kevin is just very happy with himself it seems...and who wouldn't be? When your pants are falling down and you persist with the socks and flip-flops (no Kevin...you're not a style icon...no matter what the Chaotic producers told you...the style is not going to catch on) and yet despite all this...you still get to bang a trannie every night and own a car that you haven't stolen...I say...good for you Kev...good for you.

But I still won't give you a hug.

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Xtina's Dirrty has been named hottest...ever

I thought that when you saw a girl who looked like she needed to be quarantined for more than 40days due to her STD content...that that was considered a little bit of a turn off...but obviously...STD is the new black. Christina Aguilera's Dirrty video has been named the hottest video ever by FHM music TV. Runner up was Eric Prydz's call on me.

Jessica Simpson is an infomercial girl

I'm not sure exactly when it occured...maybe it was between Jessica's surgery 5 and 6, or maybe it was even between surgery 8 and 9. Maybe we'll never know...but Ashlee Simpson is now definitely the prettiest of the Simpson sisters. I know that's not saying much...but Jessica looks like she's perilously, perilously close to 40.

Looks aside...her career also seems to heading in the I'm-now-over-40-years-old-my-career-is-dying-I'm-going-to-grab-whatever-informercial-I-can-before-I drown-into-oblivion...Jessica Simpson is set to release her own treadmill line after getting her body into shape for 'The Dukes of Hazzard'...as well as a workout video.

I'm guessing there is going to be a disclaimer along the lines of "this equipment should be used in conjunction with various surgeries to achieve 'desired' results"

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Tori Spelling knows she's talentless

I guess it must be hard to wake up every morning and know that everything you have...your clothes, your jewellry, your breasts, your husband...are all because of your father's money...and you have no way of fashionably making your own income...because let's face it...I don't think poor Tori has ever been offered a modelling contract...and I wouldn't pay any money for her to come to my party...

So I guess when you are completley I-can't-even-get-myself-an-infomercial talentless...your only real viable option is to try to get the look of someone that was really talented...Tori is today attempting to channel Janis Joplin...and I'm sorry to say, that unfortunately she doesn't quite succeed, even at that.

Nicole Richie for Bongo Jeans

Nicole Richie and DJ AM are the new faces for Bongo Jeans. This ain't no Guess campaign...but my favourite out of the skeletwins is looking both cute and hot...all of which is likely to send her her co-star for the Simple Life 4 into a tizzy.

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Demi and Ashton have a situation

I love it how the media desperately cling to their lame stories...so it's quite visibly obvious by now that Demi isn't pregnant...so they've created a 'miscarriage' story...but they're still very much holding on to their "they're getting married soon" story.

Tara Reid is soooo hot!!!

Hey Guys!!! *hic* *hic*...I'm here in St Tropez with my 2 bestest friends in the whole world...these are friends that love my breasts and tell me I look like a virgin...I've cleverly codenamed them Cocainy and Vod. Betcha *hic* can't guess what they are...I'm also here with the skanky bitch Paris Hilton...she thinks she's so great cos shes getting married...but I'm gunna get the last laugh...I'm telling you...Carson Daly and me...we're going to get married...very *hic* very soon...everyone loves me...people love me more than the love Paris...right*?*

She's left me here all alone...but you know what? She should be on this floor *hurl* too!!! I may have lost my shoes, my skirt, and my money...but never my dignity!!!!

Earlier that night...before that ugly events that transpired afterwards....

Young people are always so beautiful.

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Paris' engagement ring deemed too big

Paris Hilton has got a new engagement ring after the first one was too heavy. Her fiance Paris Latsis bought her a £3million ring when he proposed last month...but the thing hurt her poor finger...Honestly, I just don't know how Paris copes with all these setbacks...it's just one.thing.after.another...

Hang tight Paris!!! We're here at the ready to support you through all your harsh trials and tribulations. The bad times shall pass...in time.

On the subject of poor Paris, her is some faux google fun, thanks to sleazyred :)

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Carrie Underwood is sexy?

Have I missed something? Has the definition of sexy changed? Carrie Underwood has won Peta's annual "World's Sexiest Vegetarian".This girl beat Resse Witherspoon and Avril Lavigne? I can understand homecoming queen but the world's sexiest??? haha...I know I'm dargerous territory because I don't love America's darling...but I can't look at her (or any Idol)for extended periods of time. Coldplay's Chris Martin is her prom king...

I'm nominating myself next year ;)

Angelina's movin' in

Angelina has apparently shacked up with Brad Pitt in Malibu according to FemaleFirst, and is terrified of facing Jennifer Aniston who lives 20mins down the road. I don't really see what the problem is...I mean surely J-Anis wouldn't object to just-a-friend moving in with Brad...right?

Brad is apparently being introduced as "daddy" to Angelina's adopted daughter Zahara...and has already met Angelina's mother. I'm telling you...these guys are just 'friends'...

pic credit and thanks to roselle

Jessica Simpson Understands

Listen here...you can say what you want about Jessica Simpson...she may indeed have many faults...but she doesn't lack empathy...this woman totally understands war and what it entails...and truly comprehends the risks that many of these men and woman take everyday. Jessica is an idol for these young soldiers to look up to and of course...respect. Everything we see in her...from the focused, interested gaze, to the homely hair, to the everyday dress...hammers that fact home. Jessica...your down-t0-earth manner is amazing. Your perfect sense of matching your attire to each occasion always leaves me wishing I had your innate wisdom...

She's at the Robins Air Force Base, Georgia, for Dukes of Hazzard...and here she is looking, quite frankly, like she belongs, not in Georgia...but in Area 51...

Lindsay at Cipriani, London.

Don't ever let me hear that you don't have something to wear for a big night out. I seems like all you need these days is a trusty shower curtain, the plastic shower curtain hoops (which have the dual usage of bracelets and earrings), and a nice livingroom-curtain tassel.

How very domestic LiLo...

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Why Keira Why?

I realise this post will only be relevant to lovers of Austen's Pride and Predjudice. But seriously..why does this movie (in the many remakes of it) always get such bad casting? Keira Knightly...the woman with the loong torso...but more importantly...that infernal, unsexy pout...is playing the main character of Elizabeth.

I can just imagine the never ending "nose-push-down-pout" expression that is going to drive me insane...it seems to be her 'convey any emotion' look. Does this drive anyone else nuts?

Angelina Goes Out

Here is Angelina going out with the kiddies to a toy store...Maddox is obviously donning some completley normal eye makeup a la Nicole Richie....

Anyone who was under the impression that she may allow Maddox to walk is obviously seriously mistaken...she really is WWoman.

Darlings

Hey Sugars,
I'm completely spent today...I haven't really been the same since I cut out my recreational drugs, on Tom Cruise's advice. Those vitamins he gave me certainly aren't giving my the kick I thought they would...and are ten times more expensive! :)

In any case...we should all be giving our thanks to the US Feds for saving this blog's existence! Apparently terrorists wanted to kill thousands by poisoning the US cocaine supply. As you can imagine...that would have cut our blog-victims to a very, very short list, namely...crack addicts. So...although Whitney's lost her chance to become a huge star again...I'm sure it's all been for the best.

Long live L.A!

thanks sleazyred!

Kate Beckinsale wants to be WonderWoman

I wonder if Beckinsale can snag this role without converting religion, getting divorced, or going in for some collagen n' botox. Yes guys and gals...the WWoman role is up for grabs...and I'm betting everyone from Paris Hilton (so that's why she's wearing a brown wig...) to Lindsay...hell...probably even Britney...is going to give this part a try.

Beware though gals!!!! Beckinsale..has prepared for the role of this caped damsel. She says: "I dressed up as her last Hallowe'en so it would be good to do it again." You gotta agree...that's pretty intense stuff ol' Kate is doing there...who knows how she does it?

Hey Kate, I put on red lipstick yesterday...I guess that makes me a shoe-in for the Marilyn Monroe story? Cool.

Katie's Herpes Denial

So the herpes is apparently some strange Scientology alien purification ritual gone wrong...umm...sure Katie...if that's what you want us to believe...I'll go along with it. You know...Tom's really tall too...those pesky cameras are just full of those damn aliens...If I ever get herpes...I know what excuse I'll be using from now on....

JFK once said something about quacks and ducks...it seems rather fitting here in this post...in more ways than one...

Paris and Nikki...again

A free trip to the Great Wall of China? What's that?...Is that like..in Africa or something? No thanks *giggles* I mean...is there anything more fun than walking around St Tropez, getting photographed by random people ALL while donning a wig? Hello? I don't think so!

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Orlando Bloom and Sienna Miller sitting in a tree

Seems odd to me that a woman that has just broken off a long engagement and a guy that still hasn't broken up with his girlfriend would be kissing publicly at a polo event....but hey...if The Sun says that they "oozed sexual chemistry" and that Orlando Bloom and Sienna Miller are together...then it must be true.


By the way...if I read one more headline where the writer tries to 'cleverly' integrate "bloom" into it...I'm going to check myself into a clinic for exhaustion...and proceed to have a dramatic nervous breakdown...in which I end up on the floor in a foetal position.

Jessica Olsen

I know a lot of people have a certain soft-spot for Jessica Simpson. Frankly, I can't understand why. This is a woman that is original-phobic...in all life-facets. This ranges from clothes, to song-choices, to husband choice, to her choice to appear on a reality tv show. Here she is trying to do the Paris/Mary-Kate Olsen -look. Tomorrow it will be Nicole Ritchie/Lindsay Lohan-look...her next single is probably going to be "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper...her next husband...a greek shipping heir...her next diet...bulimia...

All I can say...is that when even Lindsay Lohan doesn't let you into her party...you know you've hit the bottom of the food-chain.

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Heidi VS Britney

Heidi Klum needs to set up a "How to Look Fabulous While Pregnant" seminar...because this is a picture of her at Nobu, Malibu, from yesterday...and the woman is 8 and 1/2 months pregnant...

Britney also pictured here from yesterday...needs to attend this seminar...and (also) quietly forget about her initial enthusiasm regarding creating her own maternity line...let's just say photoshop was (and still is) her best friend...

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Paris keeps on learning about Live8

Most people in the sentinent world would feel a little uncomfortable fornicating in the front seat of a car while weird Athenian guys try to get in the same picture shot...

but not our Paris'S......

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I don't feel sorry for Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller is gorgeous. She's only one year older than me (23) and yet she's already got a modelling, film and, theatre career going, as well as the "I was engaged to Jude law" stamp on her resume. Even that in itself makes me see green. The fact that she can wear gold bling...and still look manage to look down-to-earth and stunning at a Charity Royal Polo event...leaves me with nothing more to say.

Kelly Preston looks amazing

Kelly Preston is here at the "Sky High" Disney Premiere. This woman is over 40 and yet could easily pass as her Ella Bleu Travolta's older sister. I'm getting the feeling these Scientology "super vitamins" may have something going for them...either that, or the Celebrity Centre gives out a free Botox shot audit for every year of cult membership religious service.

Peter Andre and Jordan

There is nothing more beautiful than a beautiful couple performing beautiful art together. Yes...there are 3 mentions of 'beautiful' in the prior sentence...because Jordan and Peter just seem to just be the embodiment of the word. Here they are singing? at the Big Gay Out in London.

I'm assuming odd looking, plastic surgery-ridden, rather grotesque heterosexual couples of predominantly reality-tv fame have been deemed appropriate ambassadors to the gay community...

Lance Armstrong makes it 7

Well Done Lance! Although when I get a craving for a blue-glazed fruit basket/stand...I ususally just drive to a store close by...but hey...that's just me.

Hey Sheryl...nice job holding his kids...I'm seeing killer arm-definition...I think you look hot. I'm guessing you've decided he's "strong enough to be (your) man"...haha, sorry...I just couldn't resist this rather awful play on words :)

In any case...although she's around 20 years older than her, she looks a damn sight better than the blatant publicity whore "cycling enthusiast" that popped down to France to catch the action....

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Kimberly Stewart Osbourne Hilton?

Heya!
My name's Kimberly Stewart and I'm Rod Stewart's daughter. My daddy was like a big rock star like...years ago...which is why I like to have bad mullet-esque hair today...you know...I like to channel vibes like that *giggles*. People always ask me if I'm the secret love-child of Kathy Hilton and Ozzy Osbourne and I always like freak out...because like I mean the connections are undeniable...O.K like...they both have reality TV shows and like...I like almost did too!!! Also one is seriously brain-damaged and the other has no personality...and I've like...got both! I mean...isn't that eerie? I know!

People always ask me why I'm so famous and I've got to say...it's in the poses you make and the relationship you build with the paparazzi. Like...I never like to stand out or call attention to myself or anything like that...I'm the most modest girl you'll ever meet...In fact...I always pose next to something infinitely more attractive than me. Always.

c'mon...she was asking for this one.

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Britney Spears and KFed are hot

1. Most girls have been creeped out at one point or anther by a weirdo leerer...you know...that guy that looks as if he wishes it was a little darker, and less people around...
2. The majority of the population have had a quiet chuckle at the guy (usually over 60) at the station with the socks and flip-flops affair and;
3. Some girls may at one point in time been laughed at by someone due to the size of her posterior.
   

My; rather rhetorical, question is...who marries and falls pregnant to a man with all these three qualities?

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Caption This Contest

Yup...seeing as dlisted is off for the weekend I'm going to do a Jessica Simpson-move and rehash a concept as a one-off :) Yup...that's right...you write a caption...I pick a winner and post it up :)

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Russell Crowe believes he can sing

Well...he's certainly excelling in relation to the "rocker-must-trash-hotel" rule...in fact...this thinker has taken it to a special level...This modernday Plato obviously asked himself the complex question...Why throw hotel-owned inanimate objects out windows...when you can throw them at people? Truly a brilliant man.

However, I can't see much else going for him in terms of a long-term singing career. Russell Crowe has decided to leave his band; 30 Odd Foot of Grunt, to go solo a la Robbie Williams. The 41-year-old played songs from his new album, My Hand My Heart, to anyone he was able to bully into coming an intimate crowd of 160 people at the inner-western Sydney suburb of Newtown.

Personally...Russ...my tip is for you to just move straight onto the reality TV show...that's your eventual goal anyway...right?

Tom Cruise tops Celebrity Meltdown List

Tom Cruise is in nice company as he tops the celebrity melt-down list. I don't know where he's gone these past few weeks... although I have heard some RnR on the mothership is always nice...

NYMetro is running this as their cover...I think it captures this US summer pretty well...

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Affleck-foetus needs saving!

There are times when you think you've seen it all...and then you realise; in a moment that can be likened to a suburban gynaecologist examining 'Lil Kim, that well...perhaps there is still a lot more to see.

This is a children's chair that was delivered to Affleck's house yesterday...What is going on here? My only explanation is that Affleck-ology (with a current member population of 1)is desperate to enlist a new helpless, innocent devotee.

Ben...you've officially moved into Cruise-esque creepy status.

p.s. yes...I know that I've now mentioned 'Lil Kim twice in two continuous posts...but she's in jail, she can't hurt me :)

Colin Farrell...hot?

Colin Farrell has been named the most eligible bachelor by some American magazine. Who was the sample on this survey? Farrell's mother and her blind boyfriend? Farrell is the kind of guy I would even warn Tara Reid and Britney Spears against...well..o.k...maybe not.

For those of you who were curious as to what his sex-tape partner looks like...here she is. The fact that he has to get an imitation of Lil' Kim (when we know the original isn't exactly hard to get) I think aptly demonstrates exactly how eligible he is...

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Love is in the Air

It is a sad day when one wonders as to whether Katie Holmes actually didn't make such a bad choice...the Hollywood male gene pool is getting low...and needs some serious chlorine.

Lindsay is apparently dating 'producer' of the Lingerie Bowl (yup...that involves scantily clad models doing their own version of the Superbowl) Mitch Mortaza. Well...can you blame her for the attraction? This man; you have to admit, has as much sex-appeal as spray on tan. Hot!



Rose McGowan; yes...wearer of that dress, also not wanting to miss out on the old guy action (I'm guessing lack of action) is dating Al Pacino...who is only 34 years her senior...I'm guessing Pfizer is very, very, happy with this turn of events.

(credit) and sleazyred.