Janet Jackson looking.....curvy.

Janet, Janet, Janet...I know you're a Jackson...which disqualifies from interacting with the world in a normal way...but honey...sometimes it's just better to do the I'm-happy-and-calmly-smiling-at-the-paparazzi thing...

Kevin Federline is one sensitive guy.

Hey Y'all...I've gaht like the hawttest husband *giggles*...sometimes he says that I'm too fayt to be his baby momma...and then I get like...sad...but he doesn't mean it...everytime I increese his allowance he tells me that I'm like...beauteeful...so I know he loves me. Today he told me he want'd to show me what I looked like to him...kind of like a mime...he's so like clevr sumtiymes...

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Courtney Cox to be in Desperate Housewives

I used to think of Courtney Cox as a less talented, thin version of Demi Moore (yes...I am aware of Demi Moore's level of acting talent)...and then, as Demi was no longer an appropriate benchmark...I just started to think of her as vanilla...but then I became acquainted with her friend Jennifer Aniston...and realised there was a whole lot more to vanilla than I had initially thought. I then was content to not think of her at all...like the rest of the world.

It seems though, that the ol' Courtney wants to join the most overrated mess of a show since Everybody Loves Raymond "Desperate Housewives".........as a mental patient no less. Whatever...the only thing that can save that show/induce me to watch it, is Heather Locklear.

Anorexia brings its own rewards

I didn't realise that the skinniness sweeping Hollywood had real, tangible, and measurable goals...such as being able to stick bracelets past your elbow. Wow...now I see what all the fuss is about. I am now enlightened...and inspired. Thank you Nicole Richie...oh...and for the record...you do look scary...and you're making Twiggy look fat...but I still think you look hot.

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The homogenous face of an eating disorder

I don't know what's going on with Fiona Apple these days...I think she's getting ready to make a comeback of sorts after her last? hit single "Criminal". It's no secret that the girl had anorexia. It's no secret that Mary-Kate Olsen had anorexia. What does appear to have been kept under wraps however, is that fact that Fiona Apple is indeed the 3rd Olsen twin.

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Why is Charmed still around???

I used to have a college roommate who loved this show...and I would honestly have to leave the room each time it was on...it was so unbearable...I would seriously prefer to be forced to watch Bold and the Beautiful till the rest of time, than subject myself to one hour of this...and yet...it's launching it's new 8th season...who the hell is still/was ever watching this???

P.S...if their budget on the photoshop-guy is anything to go by...this series is definitley on its last legs...since when does Holly-Marie Combs have no neck...and I guess I missed the Rose McGowan-becomes-an-all-towering-giant-episode...

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Pharrell feels left out

I guess everyone else seems to getting on the let's-talk-about-getting hitched-wagon (absolutely no real action required), and Pharrell kinda felt left out...or else he wants to have sex with his girlfriend(s) more...maybe I'm just being cynical because I'm not the object of his affection :) In any case...he's blathering, rather incoherently about "someone":

"It's close, man. It's really close. There's definitely a girl that I
love... She hears my whispers. She knows my dreams and she knows my
heart."

Hate to break to you honey, but I don't know too many girls who have gotten proposals after being referred to as "a girl". This is the kind of thing a guy with many girls says.

Donald Trump's sperm still works on aliens

So...Donald Trump managed to impregnate his wife...and that scares me. I don't want to think of them at any stage during their fornication process. I don't want to think of his matted hair sticking to his sweaty brow...or Melania Knauss's cold, beady, vacant eyes staring up at the guy...eyes...by the way, that make Fergie's set look as alive as Doris Day's. Melania is an alien in any case...and I'm sure the pregnancy used sophistical rectal probes...so that thankfully no disturbing missionary was used in the creation of this kid.

thanks BP for the heads up!

A bit of Wednesday eye candy...for the girls...and the so-inclined guys

I'll be the first to admit (I'm sure to the disappointment of many male stars) that the majority of Hollywood leading men do absolutely nothing for me...but Joaquin Phonenix...with his strange mouth-scar and self-confessed meaningless tattoo...that's a different story...and good ol' True Blue Aussie Eric Bana...a man who single-handedly saved Troy from being as unbearable as Alexander...that's what I call talent...I'm a sucker for these damn brunets...(yes...it's in the dictionary)

Joaquin and Eric...if you're out there...I may not not be as hot as Angelina Jolie...or even (let's be honest) Jennifer Aniston...but I'm younger, and I promise I won't go all Barbara Walters on you if you ditch me...I'll even throw in a No-Oprah clause...

Here's Joaquin in Details magazine...

and Eric doing his best impersonation of Gavin Rossdale while out and about.

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Sharon Osbourne is trying desperately for someone to notice her

Poor Sharon...she's obviously in need of a bit of a paparazzi fix. What she doesn't seem to realise is that the tactics of the young...are not necessarily successful strategies when implemented on the over 35 age bracket.

In the past few days she's come up with the I have an eating disorder!!! (used with varying success by Lindsay, Kelly, Jessica, Hillary etc) :

"I'm still bulimic. It's bad, but I'm really trying to get better. I stuff myself with food like ice cream or pasta then rush to the loos (toilets) to make myself sick."

Coupled with a my husband cheated on me!!! (used with great success by Jennifer, and Sienna) :

"My assistant popped in to see if he (Ozzy) was OK and found him in bed with the nanny. She wasn't a beautiful blonde - she was an ugly old cow."

Sharon...I love you...but I hate to tell you...this isn't working for you...my suggestion is for you to pretend to have some sort of disease (and then miraculously recover after your fix)...you've already genuinely done the cancer thing...so how about Crohns or Parkinson's?

Bruce isn't into cult shenanigans

Well...at this point...no-one knows if Demi and Ashton really got married...it might have been a Punk'd prank for all we know. In any case...Bruce only seems concerned about keeping his daughters away from becoming members of crazy cults. He has apparently strictly forbidden the girls from visiting the Kabbalah Centre...probably so they can be nice and and fresh for The Church of Scientology???...hey, in the town of Tinsel...it seems people are either one other...

I'm predicting a hefty silent-treatment is going to be given

Guy Richie is trying to erase the memory of his wife (and all her acting attempts) from his head...and doing a pretty good job of it. He was on some dodgy French chat show (trust me...they're all dodgy) and was given a pop quiz on his missus...problem was...he couldn't remember her real name or who the hell designed her wedding dress.

Oh well...it's been five years already...aren't they due up for a divorce soon in any case?

Brangelina caught touching each other.

Who knew shopping for groceries could be so exciting? Personally...I find the whole let's-go-to the-supermarket-on-hard-core-motorcycles-because-it's-not-goody-two-shoes-and-boring-like-my-ex-wife a little bit on the mid-life crisis side...but hey...I definitely wouldn't say no to Brad Pitt (he should keep this hair situation going) rocking up at my place on any transportation device.

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Charlize rocks

Well, she was apparently on strong painkillers and talking nonsense at the 12th Annual Premiere Women in Hollywood Awards...but any woman who manages to look photoshopped in an untouched picture...frankly, is deserving of my heartfelt admiration.

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Ashton and Demi get hitcehd.

Demi and Ashton tied the knot on Saturday apparently. Us Weekly (gold standard for truth) reported that the wedding was attended by about 100 of the couple's friends, including Bruce Willis. Part of the 100 guests were actress Lucy Liu and Moore's three daughters.

I'm finding it difficult to believe that these publicity whores managed to keep this thing under wraps...with no visible trashy magazine deal in sight??? This is too much for my brain to compute...I'm saying this isn't true.

Britney shouldn't be working so hard.

I know you were all desperately worried that Britney was going to be run off her feet after the birth of her baby...and boy...is she ever.

It's nice to know that Kevin I-wish-there-was-a-way-I could-get-all-her money-without-having-to-hang-around-her helps out by carrying the base speed in appropriate-sized loads to the mother in need.

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Lindsay has a tough day

Let's face it...it's tough being a little-talent 'it' girl. I'm mean...you've got to manage to wake up from your cocaine-haze before 3pm...manage to find your bag with your cell phone (usually under the bed of some random guy's bed)...call your stylist to sort out your wardrobe (in this case a kind of dress with a built in open/shut curtain arrangement)...get your assistant to sort out what colour hair extensions you'll have for the night, and of course we mustn't forget the staple of the orange tan top-up.

It also requires making on-the-spot, difficult decisions...like...trying to work out which way to face during the photo-op...most starlets in the little-talent 'it' girl genre, not really managing the brain capacity to go for another technique...ususally opt for the "pick a side and look confident in whatever choice you've made..."

Today Lindsay got unlucky and ended up with the wall...but the girl's learning and improving each time...and next time...I bet she'll be back for another go in this risky game of chance.

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Claire Danes Greets Your Week

There's nothing like a bit of this stuff totally freaks me out interpretive dance to start off the week in a great way...even if it is performed by a girl who looks like a frog in all her crying scenes. Let's hope Claire Danes' move to the dancing arena is a permanent one...and that in the process, she somehow manages to enthuse Gwyneth into taking it up as a full-time career.

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Paris has a situation

Damn..don't you just hate it when that money-shot gets all violent and messy? :)

I don't want to know.

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Photoshop is kind to Cameron

Celebrities and their limited intelligence provide mild diversion and amusement to a lot of people. Most celebrities however, (in a logic not dissimilar to Tara Reid thinking she's sobered up after refraining from drinking during a one hour period, or Mariah thinking donning a skimpy bikini makes her look hot) take this fact to mean the everyone is crazily obsessed over them.

If blonde hair and eating disorders are the new black for the under 30s....whingeing and pretentiousness is the new 'it' thing for Gwyneth, Jennifer Aniston Cameron, the over 30s...

I haven't actually read the article, but have it on good authority (from the wonderful sleazyred) that Cameron Diaz has taken to the hip "Let's whinge" fad. Diaz says she will no longer do magazine profiles and goes on to complain about being photographed and how many stories about her are as fake as "romance novels" (I'm sure this simile makes her very intelligent). She then claims that she finds most people and their conversations (which are ususally cenetered around being a celebrity) boring.

Strangely enough though (this apparent discrepancy I'm sure makes her a very interesting person) She appears to make no objections regarding a heap of photoshopped photos scattered throughout the magazine wahwahwah article.

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Brangelina continue to play happy families.

These guys are doing all kinds of things together...from going off to $13,000 a night hotels in the Arab Gulf to attending rather random UK malls and arcades.

There are crazy reports that they were "necking" passionately while at the arcade (I don't know how that is managed when one person's got a child strapped to her chest)...Here they are leaving the mall (this might conk out)

Personally though..I think Brad and Angelina have to cut down on the animalistic sex and start focusing on (perhaps a relatively more mundane concept) 3 square meals a day.

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Why are people still asking why?

Umm...this is an article with people 'baffled' at why Renee is citing "fraud" on their divorce papers...Kenny is calling the wedding a "side-show"...which to me, already answers the question, and there's other talk that Kenny didn't want to have her kids...personally...I don't see where the confusion lies. Sure Renee looks like hell...but that can't be a reason for the divorce...I mean...she looked like hell when they met and Kenny still decided to undertake an experimentation...

I don't feel I need to broach the matter further.

Kate's a Hot Potato

Yup...her contracts appear to be falling apart H&M dropped her yesterday (after making things up regarding a 2nd chance) and Chanel has said they have no plans to renew her contract...because apparently doing coke with Karl Lagerfeld (don't try and tell me that guy isn't totally drugged up 100% of the time) is o.k...but doing it without him is bad news. I'm guessing Burberry is next :( It's sad...she's the last of the great models. Kate needs to get on the blower (no pun intended) with Donatella (who happens to have more issues than Kate)...and try to salvage her career.

*UPDATE* : Burberry and Gloria Vanderbilt have dropped her as well. Dior and Rimmel have decided to keep her on (for now).

Jennifer Aniston bores everyone to tears on Oprah

I haven't seen this...but I can just imagine the insufferability of it. Basically Jen wah wah wahhing while simultaneously telling people to move on and not to worry about her...that's she's surviving just great, and that she's not a sterile ditz...in fact...she wants to have a litter of kids Vince! Oh! and not to forget to watch her lame-ass movies. This is all while Oprah tells her she's amazing, super talented, gorgeous, strong, is an inspiration to all-jilted women, and that her nose really isn't a mess. The audience then "awws" and cheers oh-so-loudly because they just can't believe that this heroine has survived all that hardship...I'm pretty sure it finishes off with Oprah and Jennifer "finding their spirit" and re-aligning their chakrah over a glass of no-calorie non-alcoholic champagne.

Am I near the mark?

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Britney Spear's Fantasy is convoluted and involves tacky green diamantes.

Umm...Britney new perfume "Fantasy" looks bad. Read bad...I don't know who at the Elizabeth Arden head office keeps on thinking this partnership is a good idea...even photoshop (that ususally saves Britney's thighs) can't save this bottle. The scent...and I quote:

...is a fragrance alive with exchantment and rich with the thrill of the chase.
The story of Fantasy Britney Spears unfolds with lush red lychee, golden quince,
and exotic kiwi. It continue with the scents of cupcakes, sexy white chocolate orchid (???) and jasmine petals and draws to a close with the scents
of creamy musk, orris root and sensual woods (???).

I love how she still manages to put "cupcakes" in there...I know she's talking about the dodgy cream filled, 100s&1000s topped 6packs which sell for 50c after 9pm at Walmart.

Slow news day......

haha...I thought it was accurate....thanks Lori for the idea + Lamb Chop picture :)

Bit harsh on poor lil' Lamb Chop huh?

I'm going to be nice about the Emmys

O.k...I tried to watch the show but it was just unbearable. Ellen tried her best...but what can you do when the essential structure of the show is Zzzz. I'm going to be nice in any case...I'm not going to talk about Eva's peach coloured mess or Jennifer Garner's hair situation.

Marcia Cross wisely keeps her red hair and works it.

Teri looks normal (from a distance)

Portia takes the place of Anne Heche.

Halle shows some leg and in the process makes a lot of women envious.

Mischa looks cute...and doesn't fat creepy guy with the red-bow tie know it...she's yours for sure FCG!!!

Sandra Oh can't breathe but it's LA...so who cares?

O.K....so niceness can only stretch so far.....this woman obviously attended the Mariah Carey "How to look demure" courses. Since when does hardcore porn hit mainstream cable television stations?

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