Drew Barrymore wishes you the Hottest of weekends

Sharon Osbourne goes for the Double D's

I can think of plenty of other ways to spend $700,000 that laminating myself from the inside...because that's what Sharon has spent on cosmetic surgery over the years. I guess however, that it's all down to whatever floats your boat (or breasts). Sharon Osbourne has gotten DD implants...supposedly because Ozzy likes large breasts...and doesn't she look all the better for them...

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Nicole Kidman is sad

Nicole apparently heard about the TomKat pregnancy on the television...those Scientology ex-husbands are so considerate! She's apparently upset...probably because Tom never consented to the baby-batter--syringe approach with her. If I were her I would be over the moon that I escaped from such a scary marriage without ever having to encounter his creepy cult-sperm...but that's just me.

Paris Hilton to play Zsa Zsa

Paris Hilton; who has been 'reminded' that her sex-tally includes ugh-inducing Tom Sizemore, is in talks to play the role of Zsa Zsa Gabor in a film. I'm sure that 'film' in this case really means amateur sex tape and will build upon the wonderful talent she showed the world in her burger ads.

I don't know much about Zsa Zsa Gabor at all...but I do know that no-one (except perhaps Gwyneth Paltrow) deserves to be played by Philton. If Zsa Zsa were dead...I know she'd be turning over in her grave...surely marrying Conrad Hilton ages ago doesn't warrant this kind of punishment?

Matthew Broderick and SJP caricatures

Umm..I don't get how an unphotoshopped picture can look so damn strange...but I'm guessing a lot of thought, talent, and some kind of starvation on SJP's part, went into it.

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Kristen Davis gets injured

Nothing helps a flailing career like a bit of an injury here and there...just ask Madonna. This time it's Kristen who's torn some kind of ligament. Her explanation:

"I was staying in an old mansion that's turned into a hotel with the hardwood floors. There was like a little napkin that they put down (for) when you step out of bed...My foot hit the napkin, and the napkin slid, and the hand hit the table with the phone, and the phone slid, and I was splat out on the floor"

Now...if there's one thing I know...it's that when someone places that much detail into a "I slipped" story...they're definitely hiding something. It's kinda like when you're a kid and get drunk...and the more you try to hide it, the more everyone notices.

Kristin was probably engaging in strange animal-sex with the butler and is trying to protect their unborn child (that she'll give to her sister to raise) from the scandal, as well as save her Maybelline contract.

Lindsay makes stuff up...really badly

Lindsay Lohan annoys me in the same way that Hillary Duff does...I don't like this singing/acting business...when it's evident that you're not any good at either. It's as pathetic as a painter trying to write a novel because he's a bad artist...in any case... what she is good at...is making up dramatic stories. She reminds me of that crazy girl (every school has her) in primary school who would make up ridiculous stories about herself just so people would hang around her for a while during lunch break.

She says in OK! magazine:

"I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body. I was going through that phase that everyone goes through...I lost, like, 20-25 lbs. I was on IV drips. I nearly died!"

She also says that compared to her friends, she's an "angel".

I guess "IV drips" is a new codename for "I was getting my implants re-done"

I can't believe how close we were to losing LiLo!!!

Scarlett J thinks she's hot

...and so she should. She told Grazia that "I accept I'm never going to be rail-thin. I think it's the right time for me." I really hate it how when you're an average-sized girl in Hollywood ALL your interviews revolve around your weight...and the poor girls always have to come out with the same boring rubbish about how they're comfortable with who they are, and that they think curves are sexy blah blah... Kate Winslet's been doing basically the same interview structure for years...that in itself would give me an eating disorder...

Anyway..enough ranting...I find it rather humourous that just as Scarlett's come out about her relationship with I-never-got-his-hype Josh Hartnett...that he's posing with one of the most rail-thin models around...the love-her-or-hate-her super-it model Gemma Ward.

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Paris and the Greek guy...again

After Jessica and Nick's rather pathetic attempts at showing the world that they're still in love...I guess the Queen of the Publicity Whores wanted to show them how it's done. Their poses are oh-so-natural...pure magic.

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Catherine Zeta Jones says Douglas was too gross to kiss

O.k...so she never really said that...but I'm sure that's the reason that she didn't kiss the guy for 9 months after their first date...she said it was to keep him interested...but please...at his age an upside-down mop with a bra attached would have kept him interested...This was obviously a ploy for her to harness some serious bargaining power in their prenuptual agreement. Either that or she was too scared that he'd go into cardiac arrest if she kissed him and die before she could grab half of his assets.

Maria Carla wished she had an ounce of...something

My lovely model-expert friend Annie Y and I are in agreeance that Maria Carla Boscono ain't no Kate Moss...in fact...we don't know how she ever became a quasi supermodel. I've seen her interviews and the girl may not know what cocaine is, but she definitely knows what speed is...at least I hope so, because if she doesn't take drugs, then that means she's incredibly good at talking nonsense at an incredibly fast pace. In any case...she's the new it-girl for H&M... *sigh*

Too much sex, too little condom use

Well...apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is knocked up again...the only upshot I can see from this is that she might fatten up and get the hell out of the spotlight... If she does leave for a while, we know from past experience that she'll come back with avengeance... and start her whinge-fest about how hard it is to be a mother with two children...and as to why-oh-why hasn't been awarded a damehood?...

In other news...pregnancy rumours a popping up re: Angelina after these pics surfaced...who knows? As long as the father isn't her brother...I'm happy.

Thanks Lisa BK for the Gwyn heads up!

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Janet Jackson's daughter is hot

I have to admit...like with most Jackson-situations...I'm totally out of the loop on this one. Looks like Janet's ballooning weight over the years had more to do than just too many buffalo wings and beer. Apparently she had a child 19 years ago...her ex-mother-in-law says that she always "believed" it was the case. Renee pictured below has lived with Janet's older sister since she was born. Like with most Jackson-situations...this seems convuluted enough to actually be true.

Jess and Nick share beautiful times in Italia

Well...everyone's saying that for all intents and purposes...they're as apart as Paris Hilton's thighs...but their publicists are still going on and on with the:

"They're still together...they just got back from Italy, where they were taking their anniversary vacation; they spent time together and they had a romantic dinner."

I doubt this 'dinner' was consumed together...When I grow up...I want to have a marriage as strong, stable, and visibly fulfilled as this....At least Posh and Becks make a GO of pretending to be happy.

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I want to be Reese right about now...

Hey guys...wicked tired ATM...so it's going to be a bit more of a visual post-day today :) This is Reese (with Joaquin) in the lastest issue of Vogue. Reese...is a very, very lucky woman.

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click to enlarge the pics

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Lindsay Lohan is demure

Well...I guess when you dye your hair a normal colour...and you're no longer as thin as Nicole Ritchie...you have to resort to carefully thought-out measures to get back into the magazines...pure elegance...truly.

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Oh my...the sky IS falling.

Ugh...this is by all means not new...so I apologise if all you in-the-loop people know all about it...but this is the first I've heard of it...expect Sean Spears to drink this by the bottle-full...I would love to see the making of Kabbalah-water that goes into this energy drink...

Ahh...making your cult into a business is always so nice when it comes to tax time.

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Britney is sexy

All kinds of Britney talk...first of all, she lost out on a deal with People magazine to sell photos of her child because they were leaked out early on the internet. Now her spin-doctors are saying that she relented beforehand because she didn't want to sell her son out...whatever. This has sent her lovely husband of the year into a bit of a frenzy...probably as he realises that this baby of his isn't going to be producing the cashflows that he had predicted...I'm sure he came to the realisation that his wife wasn't going to be producing any cash a long time ago...

Apparently he's not taking care of the baby and wah wah wah...so now their marriage is "on the rocks"...as if it were ever under any other status.

Marc Jacobs loves L'il Kim

Marc Jacobs (current LV designer thanks WWJDD!) has made L'il Kim into Joan of Arc for a Flaunt magazine photoshoot? Umm..is it supposed to be ironic? Funny? A metaphor for her L'il Kim's life? Clever? Let's just say I don't think I'm in Flaunt magazine's target audience.

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I totally called this!

My goodness! I should seriously think about going into the celebrity psychic business...I know I would make a mint out of it...and after a few years...I'm sure that I would probably get a regular stint on Oprah where I could cry openly about my marriage break-up to some creepy Uri Geller-esque character.

Just a few days ago...I predicted that Posh Spice had the brain cell criteria to turn to Scientology and lo and behold! She's turning!!!

She's already been spotted reading some crazy books about Scientology healing practices, also known as 'Assists'...which are basically a form of 'faith healing'...basically...they believe someone touching the affected area will solve any problem, including fever, broken bones, bruises etc. Their version here...a more accurate version here.

If Posh goes to the dark side...that means people like Jordan will be travelling there as well...*sigh*

Pure, Inarguable Talent

I don't think we realise how lucky we are to live in a world where we can witness the incredible talent, intelligence, and beauty of the Simpson sisters...and have it be so beautifully represented on film.

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Keira's sad as she realises not everyone finds her attractive

I guess most celebrities are used to the "you're so amazing" Oprah-esque treatment...but the world isn't always so kind. Keira's apparently been crying...and crying after this journalist John Lyttle wrote funny and scathing piece on Keira's performance in her new flick "Domino". I haven't seen this movie, but by Lyttle's wonderful descriptions, it basically sounds like she's used the same acting 'method' that she has in all her films...

He compared her tough girl act to:

"A five-year-old who has just been told that the birthday-cake icing is vanilla instead of chocolate as promised."

Which I'm guessing means that she pouted her way through 95% of the film...and said of her lapdance:

"I once threw my office chair out the window onto a bouncy castle and witnessed more erotic movement."

which even a rabid Keira fan has to admit...is pretty hilarious.

Carolyn Murphy and her mysterious sex tape wish you a sexy weekend

I don't get why people make sex-tapes...especially if they're famous...and by famous...I mean being A-List enough for the damn tape to negatively affect your career...instead of boosting it. In any case...Carolyn Murphy's (the face of Estee Lauder) honeymoon sex-tape was stolen from her bitter ex-husband's residence...and by stolen, I mean probably sold off to someone.

I see dead people

I'm ususally a bit immune to thinness in magazines...most of the time I'm quite partial to the lithe look...but seriously...what on earth is going on here? This is actually a real skeleton look...to top it off...Keira Knightly has been placed on the New York Time's Beauty Fall 2005 Style Magazine...it's even coupled with a pathetic blurb that:...the camera worships her...

Well...perhaps we should go out and kill a couple of cows as a sacrifice to this 'goddess'.

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Al Pacino is embarrassed to say he got it on with Kirstie

I guess it must be hard for a guy like Al to have gone from being believable in a tango scene with young and beautiful Gabrielle Anwar, to having to settle for over-the-top, alien-filled (yes...she's one of them as well), bloated Jenny Craig campaigners...like Kirstie Alley. She was seen stroking his thigh earlier this month at some restaurant.

His publicist Pat Kingsley is denying this romance...but come on...this is a woman who for over 10 years convinced us that Tom was a nice, normal, and sane individual....so...forgive me for not believing a word she says.

Jennifer Aniston is learning from Angelina and Tom

Jennifer has somehow hypnotised and brainwashed Vince into getting him to let her meet his mother...I think Jennifer should secretly adopt a kid on the side...Afterall, it did wonders for Angie...she could also try the Cruise way and turkey-baste. Her choice.

In other semi-related news...People magazine is being incredibly clever in changing the contrast photoshopping pics of Jen's stand-in to make it look like Jen. *Shock, horror*, I'm calling Consumer Affairs.

As you can imagine, the pic on the left = the one in the mag, and the pic on the right is the original.

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Kirsten Dunst SO reads this blog

Maybe the World Wide Fund For Bra's finally got in contact with her, or she had a good re-evaluation of the breast-to-knee attractiveness factor, or Jake started to call her by the evil Sunken Tits moniker...personally I like to think she reads this blog......

Has Ken EVER been heterosexual?

We recently had a post re: Barbie and her descent into slut-hood...but maybe it wasn't all her fault after all...maybe she turned that way after years of sexual neglection from her so-called dream partner. Hands up who thinks Katie is going to go down Bling Bling Barbie road when she hits 40? At the time being though...she's being a good girl for daddy Tom and learning how to knit.

Credit where credit is due

Well..I'm not such a fan of her songs, or her boyfriend, or her faux mall-punk attitude......but for me, Avril has really topped it with me in the beauty stakes...Avril...you've disabled my snark...I thought only Angie and Joaquin could do that. :)

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Mel Gibson is insane...but he's a good guy.

Well...he's going for the Fidel Castro look...so one can only imagine that perhaps he's gotten his Spanish-speaking countries mixed up...but no matter...
He's just given $1million dollars to the victims of the Mexican Hurricane Stan. For a guy who seriously believes that his wife is going burn in hell...that's not bad.

thanks Unknown Soldier for the heads up!

You mean...the Beast was once Human?

Who knew?

full article here

The Holmes' better start thinking about moving...fast.

Tom Cruise is like Freddy Krueger...he's now taken to hunting innocent people down. It's not bad enough that he's irrevocably taken Katie to the dark side...he also wants to take her parents down as well. He's apparently paid over a million bucks for a house close to Holmes' parents. No doubt this "home" will soon turn into a mysterious Scientology Center (to help and inform people...of course) with members whotake to raiding the neighbourhood of their aspirin and Xanax.

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*update* Sorry...I've just gotten a little carried away with the anagrams here...but I thought this one was a classic.

Katie Holmes = Tom Likes a He

you heard it here first readers....actually, just googled the damn thing in...& it's not the first...*sigh*

Dr Sunken Tits is an Alcoholic

Well, the Superficial calls her Dr Sunken Tits...SleazyRed calls her Drunken Tits. I personally have nothing against alcoholics...but I'm not really fond of alcoholics by the name of KikiDunst.

Posh wants front seat at the freak show

Posh is apparently desperate to get invited to the train wreck that will be the TomKat marriage...I guess the whole thing makes her feel like her own marriage is happy and normal. This woman is ambitious enough and has the brain-cell criteria to turn to Scientology...mark my words, she'll probably be popping out a mysterious baby in a couple of months as well. Ever since Tom told this woman that he "could make her into a star"...she was doomed.

There is also a bit of confusion as to who exactly is going to come out wearing the wedding dress...since Tom Cruise is having more imput into its design/creation than anyone else...but then again...Tom is accustomed to wearing dresses...

"I might get surgery later" is the new "I have a fast metabolism"

Well...I guess deluded J-Lo thinks that the pictures of her before 97-ish when she was all nose-lips-and-ass have been destroyed by some Lopez-loving force...

Along with Courney Cox...and all these other "no-one is paying attention to me right now" 'stars'...she's doing the whole naive, I'm-such-a-natural-being pathetic arguement... She told Harper's Bazaar:

"I don't do plastic surgery, but...I don't know how I'll feel when I'm 40 or 50, and if that is something I would do."

I guess she must've hit 40 around 10 years ago then....

thanks Ginger for the link!

*A new site dealing with celebrity plastic surgeries has popped out...some nice evidence. *

Vaughniston is back on...and not even Vaughn is excited.

Well..you'd think a tubby, grumpy looking guy would be happy to finally be nabbing a very vulnerable "I'll have sex with anyone right about now" Hollywood hag Beauty...but you can tell he's only thinking about what a bastard Brad is for managing to snap up Jolie...even with all the strings (aka adopted kids, pretending to care about miscellaneous African missions) attached.

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