Paris tries to be Audrey Hepburn...and fails.

Oh Paris...you know why I like you? Because you're not ashamed to show your true colours...you never really pretend to be anything but a rather magnetic combination of being trashy, rich, and dare I say it...boring. All this is mixed in with the pizazz of a Vegas showgirl who occasionally lets customers touch.

But you know what? I'm not feeling this photo shoot. At all. It's just not right. What's that? Oh...she's NOT trying to be Audrey Hepburn? Oh...you mean it's just the poster for the low-budget adult movie "Sex IN Tiffany"...with Paris playing Tiffany? Well...o.k then. Makes more sense. Fair enough.

Can't compare huh?

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Colin Farrell Looks Like Kevin Federline.

Colin. You look bad. Real bad. You're like the Irish version of Federline. Eireline? Listen...I can see why you've gone insane...I sat through Alexander as well...and...as the story became more and more incoherent and boring...a part of my brain became numb and never revived again...so I can only imagine what filming the god-awful thing did to you. But you know what? You've got to STOP all this nonsense of hitting on 70 year old women and getting it on with trannsexuals...O.K? Now...put on some pants, shave, snort some of that coke you've got in your hand, and go hit on Lindsay Lohan...or something.

No...you da man.

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Michelle Williams really IS knocked up.

Wow...this is no faux baby bump a la Hilton. The ugly girl from Dawson's Creek really is knocked up. I think Heath Ledger is pretty odd looking as well...so maybe the baby will look like a duck with a flat face? I'm sorry little Ledger-foetus...you know I'm serious kidding.

Tinseltown appears to be so fecund at the moment. What's going on? I have a feeling a pharmacist that has some serious shares in baby furniture is tampering with people's birth control over there....any pharmacists in Beverly Hills with the last name of Gerber? You heard it here first :)

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Angelina Makes Anne Hathaway Cry.

Hi Anne....why the tears? Is it because everyone thinks you're a joke because you've only managed to get into Disney movies with a past-her-prime Julie Andrews? No? Oh...well...what is it then?

Oh...is it because for all those years the Disney-execs told you that YOU were the FAIREST of them all...and now standing next to Angelina...you realise that they were....lying? Honey...Angelina just isn't like the rest of us...she's got the beauty of Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty...and then some. Gettit? Listen...here's 10 bucks...go find Courney Love and buy yourselves a drink...pretend this photo never happened...you'll feel better...promise.

A nail in the coffin. Here she is looking ridiculously beautiful in Italian Vanity Fair. :)

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Avril and Deryck in Venice

Well...look at the happy couple. She looks beautiful and annoyed and he looks rather odd and bewildered. I guess the gondolier's redition of "O Sole Mio" isn't quite to taste?

Hands up who thinks she's going to marry in black?

Mary-Kate's Billions

Hey Mary (Margaret) Kate Oslen!!!!
Hey...you know...if I had billions of dollars, you know what I would do? I'd get myself a backstage pass to an Oasis show...get completley smashed with Noel "Rap-is-Whack" Gallagher...then go home...get on the homeshopping channel...and order myself the (not $49,99...not $39.99) $29.99 kwality hot glue gem applique kit with the complimentary gems and then like...applique them on a skirt I found in the dumpster...all while still on my coke high....what?!?...you'd do that as well? You don't say.....

Avril Lavigne is Engaged

Well well well...honey...looks like you're not so different from Paris Hilton after all...let's see

• fake blonde (check)
• recently engaged (check)
• penchant for big bags (check)

I'll be the first to admit a couple of problems with my theory...there's no deep orange tan in sight...no faux baby-bump...and of course there is that niggling voice in the back of head telling me that Paris woudn't ever like...marry a guy who thinks stilts are part of normal footwear...The lucky guy is Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. Here they are at Chi.

Oh...she'll make such a lovely bride....

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TomKat at WOTW L.A Premiere

Oh...isn't it nice that they've allowed people from the L.A Insitute for the Mentally Challenged to attend this amazing movie premiere. How very inclusive and thoughtful. Oh wait....

Yeah...TomKat do the same old same old. *yawn* Tom was on Rove Live yesterday via satellite (It's kind of an Australian version of...say...Letterman) and he was painful to watch. He's was really utilising his faux-manic laugh to the extreme...even in places where it made no sense...it was like:

Rove: So...you're starring in the War of the Worlds...tell us a bit about that.
Tom: War of the (manic laughter...30secs) Worlds? Yeah. It's about...
or
Rove: What was it like working with Spielberg?
Tom: (manic laughter...30secs) Great...he's just an amazing....person.

He then did the stand on the chair followed by a pump the ground with the fists thing...which got some serious sighs from the Aussie audience...hmmm.

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Glastonbury Festival Recap

There were people at the Glastonbury Festival who were just ridiculously talented...here's Shirley Manson from Garbage singing it up...

There were other watchers that were just ridiculously, innately cool...like Kate Moss...

And then (as always) there's the kind of girl who...well...try as she might...is neither cool, nor particularly talented...whose main thoughts revolve around the effect of mud on hair extensions.

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The Lady in White Strikes Back at Jessica Simpson

Hey Jessica...don't play coy with me missy...I saw your latest excuse for a song...Let me tell YOU...my boots are gunna walk all over you...and after that...I'm going to bash you up with my shopping bag! I starved for 3 weeks to fit into my white suit and now you come along with your little curls and ridiculous creepy-arms-close-to-body pose and take away my limelight...I'm not even getting one goddamn photo! Well let me tell you here...I know what you were before your nose job and breast implants...just a little ugly jane from goddamn WACO, Texas singing gospel songs before your creepy daddy decided it would be more profitable to turn you into the next whore Britney. Stop ruining perfectly good songs...just stop.ruining...my.life....

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Lindsay tries to eliminate the Ho out of HoHan

Hey Lindsay! You're not like trying to look respectable or anything are you??? Good...for a second there I was a little worried...you know how every blonde actress tries (and fails) at one point in her career to be the next Grace Kelly? GLAD to see you're not doing that. Not doing that at all.

I'm ALL for the monochromatic LiLo...it symbolises the light of your being, contrasting with the darkness in your soul...and the pearls on the shoes...the whole getup is just.so.you.

Deni-ho-l. :) ;)

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Britney is the New Jordan.

Hi Britney!
You know what? I'm pretty sure this is my first ever Britney post? Wanna know why? Oh...well...I don't wanna take the smile off your face...so I won't say. Brits...I know you're a fan of this blog...but psst...just between you and me? You know when I said that Jordan's pregnant fashion sense was elegant and poised and beautiful? Well...I didn't actually mea.....

On second thoughts...I won't say...I'm enjoying the vileness and agony far too much. :)

Viva La Nueva JORDAN!!!

Move Over Brad and Angelina...Gwen and Gavin are hitting the town.

I love these two...they knock out any couples competition...if you can count the TomKat's and Jess 'n Nick's of the world 'competition'. They're both ridiculously hot and uber cool. I'm sorry...I have absolutley no snark available :)

mwah!

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Paris Loves Paris Anytime

You know that when your boyfriend wears a t-shirt with a half-naked chick on it (that just so happens to be you)...that it's the REAL DEAL. Paris1...I wish someone loved me half as much as Paris2 there...he just looks like SUCH a romatic.

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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are so Intellectual.

Wow...Ben and Jen are like...so amazing. They've decided to videotape the paparazzi...whenever they're around...cos then like...they'll have like heaps of video tapes of...paparazzi...and stuff.

Man...these are the kinds of minds we need leading the nation...or NASA...in any case...I'm immediatley offering them automatic membership in the Celebrity MENSA organisation I head.

Can anyone from the sentinent world explain to me the rationale behind this new Hollywood idiocy trend?

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Tori Spelling's Jewellry Line.

Oh...look at me. I'm so beautiful. Look at me just sitting here, in a very relaxed fashion casually placing my hand on one of my beautiful jewellry creations. My side-bun reminds you of Jackie-O no? Well...that's the look I was going for in any case. Daddy says that if I think hard enough...I can look like whoever I want...Daddy's always right...

Don't you also just love how my gorgeous green dress showcases my breasts beautifully? What's that? You think I'm a no-talent joke of an actress that only experiences the mild success that I have because of my father's clout?

Now look here! You'd better be thankful that I don't understand those big words! But I can tell you're not on the pre-approved party list that was selected by Daddy. People on the approved list never use big words with me! What are you talking about no-talent? Don't you see my necklace? Don't you see how intricate it is? It took me 3 months to work out how to get the circles to stay together!

Now get out! If I wasn't talented then I would have disappeared of the face of the earth after 90210 and only gotten bit-parts in complete flops. We all know that didn't happen...I am the most relevant actress in Hollywood today...right Daddy?

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Sienna Miller Does Princess Jasmine...but not without consequences.

Sienna Miller was left devastated at a London party after her fiance Jude Law claimed he didn't dig her outfit. "I can deal with the top half darling...but what the hell is going on with the elastication in those pants?" he was overheard saying. Sienna was left glassy eyed, frightened, and catatonic by the news, and enlisted the help of her mother; who was incidentally on her way to some sort of a Teddy Bears' picnic, to help come to terms with the monumental blow.

Feed-her-line

Hot diggity daymn Brit-nay...why ya heyrr they'rr callin mi? Don't tell me that little Stayn has bu-roken inta tha trailerr agin...that little critterr...harr harr Oh...ya wanna know wherr I am? Doyn't ya trust me theyrr Brit-nay? Well bay-bey you got nuthin ta wurry 'bout theyrr...I'm just usin' my long hard pump heyrr to pump some precious liquid theyrr into my other bay-bey...harr harr...Brit-nay? Brit-nay? Don't hang up...

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Vaughniston?

Haha...someone on the JBB forum is already calling them this :) They're on the set of "The Break-Up"...but they don't appear to be filming. That's it Vince...get your best-friend's ex-girl while she's vulnerable...because...well...let's be honest here...there's no other way you could ever get her...Mr Top-Heavy.

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Darryl Hannah in Moscow

Does the "umbrella holder" at rainy events annoy anyone else? Why can't these people carry their own umbrellas...and if they don't want to, then they can bloody well get wet. In the same vein, I also hate it when magazines call us "mere mortals". O.k o.k...consider rant over. :)

Here Darryl is at the conclusion of the Moscow International Film festival...and I have a feeling she's been talking to the ol' Heather Locklear, because she too, is looking pretty rad for her age. Any woman over the age of 40 that can pull off the white slip dress is doing something right.

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Brangelina are RevVed Up Baby.

Latest pics.

Oh no...they're just good friends...

Seeing these pics would make me wanna kung-fu-fight Angie as well. Check out the cat fight :)

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Tom Cruise Loses It....Again...

It's becoming quite apparent to me that you can write an entire blog just based on Tom Cruise. All I can say is that Tom's ex-publicist Pat Kingsley...is the most talented woman at her job....EVER. She should get a lifetime achievement award for keeping this crack-pot under wraps for so many years.

What's his problem now you might ask? Well...it seems that he doesn't really have that many problems with the world...world poverty? nah...kids stuff...AIDS? nuthin' those chewable vitamins can't cure...unequal distribution of wealth? *blank*, but when the postnatally-depressed-women-taking-pills issue pops up...you know...those evil mothers just trying to get through some pretty hard times........this happens: VIDEO here

Matt Lauer makes the fatal error of bringing up anti-depressants on his NBC talk show...Cruise proceeds to tell him that he should "be more responsible"...that "you don't know the history of psychiatry. I do"....that "there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the body", and of course the clincher... "You're Glib". What the hell is that??? Obviously "jerk" didn't cut it for Tom on this occasion.

On top of Tom's woes is a rumour spreading around there are other reasons as to why MI3 is on hold. Interesting. Oh...and Tom...if you "LOVE THIS MAN" sooo much...try showing him a little respect by talking about your goddamn movie...whatever it's called.

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Liv Tyler and Milo Hang Out

A question has plagued me for a lot of my adult life...is Liv Tyler beautiful, or is just overrated and rather horse-y looking? A fair question...one that I'm sure has preoccupied many a talented mind...Well...I'm on the fence no more. Here she is shopping in NY the day before yesterday...and she looks...beautiful. Milo, her son, on the other hand, doesn't look quite so confident. I can't blame him really...having a mum that dresses up in a bizarre oversized kimono and names you after a popular Australian chocolate drink wouldn't exactly inspire confidence in me either. I'm with you Milo..



p.s. Milo...never come down to Australia...you would get. beaten. up. your first week as a little first grader. I can just imagine your first day at school "Milo hahaha...I dwink that for breakfast...take that *punch*"

Prince Wils Graduates

Well well well...the moment I know most of you were all waiting for...Prince William graduating :) What the hell did he graduate in anyway? Art History or something? I have no idea. Apparently he got a 2:1 in Geography....what on earth does that mean? Anyway...I love his HOT friends surrounding him and the oh-so-risque sexy white bow-tie...woah woah! Who wouldn't want a serial killer standing behind you at your graduation I ask?



His plain pretty girlfriend, Kate Middleton, graduated as well...

Courtney Courtney Courtney...where is the LOVE?

Courtney Baby!
What's going on...you look ummm...a little different...have you by any chance changed your hair? Yeah...that's it...who knew what Farrah Fawcett-esque flicks could do to a person?

You're worrying me Courtney...I like you...and this is worrying me more than you your appearance a few months ago when you looked skeletal and sick...because at least then your lips looked nice 'n ridiculous, alien, awful plump...I mean...a girl can't be in that bad a shape if she still manages to diligently attend to the upkeep of her trout pout...

But baby...heart to heart advice? When you're feeling a little rough, it's not always the greatest idea to stand next to Pamela Anderson...actually...I personally advise a constant 200m distance....don't be fooled by the Hepatitis B claims. She may technically be dying...but to quote your song "Boys on the Radio" she's (arguably) "beautiful and dying"...and no...playing a bizarre scissors-paper-rock doesn't allieviate the sitation any!

To think...just a couple of years ago you were wearing the same getup in pink...and looked pretty damn fab...you had basically transformed yourself to this...

From a rather unfortunate this...something many pundits never thought you'd be able to achieve.

But Courtney...at least you can find solice in the fact that whatever you do, however fat you get, however cracked up you get, what ever surgeries you undertake....basically...ANY future metamorphisis that you might undergo....you can never look as bad as you did in your early years....

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Chloe Sevigny Can Pull It Off

Hey Guys...finally free of exams...just finished :)

Here is Chloe Sevigny from June Vogue...you know what? I think she's really hot...she's just so different when you compare her to the Paris' and Lilo's of the world. Who cares that she gave Vincent Gallo a blowjob in a movie (Brown Bunny)...so did Paris Hilton...in a less artsy way...probably....

I know gofugyourself.com disagrees...

And although I can sometimes understand why...

I aruge the issue is not whether these lederhosen look cool on Chloe...but how cool they look on Chloe when compared to how they would look, if any other Hollywood starlet (who would never be seen dead in them) put them on...

Ya feel me?

Disclaimer: Suffering from 2 days lack of sleep :)

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Mandy Moore Has a New Best Friend?

Hey Mandy,
Whaddaya doin' at the Spyder Club Mandy? (Is that like the ONLY club in L.A or something? Anyone from L.A? Why is it such wannabee central?) Mandy...I luuurve how you're like...channeling Mary-Kate Olsen and your friend is channelling like...Kathy Hilton...you two are so clever! I don't know how you two come up with such post-modern ideas. You guys just blow me away...magnificent!

Whatcha going to send in the mail Mandy? Penpal? Yo...what's that? Say that again? You mean it's a secret letter trying to let the world know that your Kathy-Hilton-esque friend is really Ms Jessica Rodriguez II? Is that it Mandy? Is that why she's holding your wrist so tight? Why are you looking at me like that Mandy??? (*disappears*)........Mandy? MANDY!?!!!!!!?!!

Anastacia Has a Bad Day :(

Hey Ms Newkirk...what's that? You want me to call you by your first name? O.k...Anatastcia...yes...I do agree that it seems to suit your exotic nature more...no...I wasn't saying that with a smirk!

Well...I've been told by your P.A that you're unhappy? Why is that Anastacia? What's wrong? No...it's not apparent to me.......But you asked for a room with gold thingamibobs...we weren't exactly sure what that entailed...but we thought glitter would be to your liking. No...I'm not trying to say that you remind me of a drag queen!.....*oh no* please Anastacia...please get off the piano...YES...I realise you're having an unhappy situation but the photographer is going to be here any second! Yes (*sigh*) you do indeed look taller on the piano...yes...Anastacia...taller than Paris Hilton.

No...I think your outfit is lovely...what do you mean you think the top half of it is missing? I don't believe it is....O.K o.k...Yes...Paris Hilton is due for a photo shoot after you but that doesn't mean our wardrobe assistant forgot all about you and your top...you're a very valuable celebrity to us. Very valuable...no we don't think you're too old at all. Although Anatacia...if you don't mind me saying...you are being very prudent in wearing your brown underpants under that skirt.

We think you're absolutley...magnificent!!! Good...Now please get down Anastacia...I really have to go tend to Paris' puppy...

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Free Tom!!!

Tom: Hey Katie (*gasp*)...listen...I know I said I loved you and that you were magnificent...but you know...you know our...arrangment ...honey listen sometimes some people say things, that they don't mean...you know? You know.
Katie: (*blank smile*) Yes Tom darling...I know...I love you too.
Tom: Katie...no...I don't think you understand...(*squirm*)




Katie: I'm never going to let you go Tom. We're never going to be apart even for a second. I can't wait till we have children...let's call them Katie....and Tom (*giggle*) oh Tommy aren't I just so great at coming up with ideas? I know! And we're going to buy them cute little matching baby jumpsuits and be able to go to Scientology get-togethers as a family...and........(trails off...)



Tom: Jessica....JesSICA!!!! JESSICA!!!!!!!
Uhhhhh...I may have made a uhh...small tactical error...what do you know about rescinding contracts? Do you think it's too late to run a new auditions process? I'm still thinking Scarlett...or maybe even cute cracked-out Lindsay Lohan...maybe we can put her into the Narconon drug rehab or something...

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The Tom Cruise Auditions.

Tom Auditioned Me to Be His Girlfriend And All YOU Get Is This Lousy Blog.

Haha...o.k...so I'm not being totally original...stole it from here...And before you ask or get cranky...no...I am in no way affiliated to/with the above site :)

p.s guys...I have exams over the next two days...so I might post a little less daily...I'm really screwed for one of my exams btw :) Anyone know anything about Business Marketing? haha. It's in around 6 hours time. Much love, Elisa.

George Clooney is Available Again

O.k...so I'm not such a big fan of the ol' George...this is more of an altruistic post...because I know other people love this man :) He's back on the open market again... having split up with his girlfriend, UK model Lisa Snowdon...over the phone no less... He's like...such a class act *teehee**giggle**giggle*.

Beware girls and some guys...he obviously goes for the ones with the really big........eyes. I've heard a sexy side snarl doesn't hurt one's chances either.

Is that a glass eye I spy?

Naomi Watts Melts

Hey Naomi, (click to enlarge)
You're making me sweat...and not in a good way. You poor thing...what are you doing do yourself? Are you trying the new 'sweat-it-out' technique dervived from Narconon-ic principles as advocated by L.Ron himself in an attempt to forget about Heath Ledger and his fugly girlfriend? Or perhaps you're in engaging in J-Lo-esque placenta facials. Yeah...I'm sorry he dumped you too...you're much cuter than her...but honey...this is not the way forward for you. Chin Up! As a fellow Australian...I'm gunna be lenient on you...this time :)

p.s. hun...winner nose job!!!

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Katie Holmes' Lost Days and Dinner with the Cruz's

Haha...so I guess we've all read the wonderful Fox account of Katie's lost days...basically the 16 days before her big TomKat debut in Rome. In those 16 days she managed to :
a) meet Tom Cruise for the first time,
b) fire both her loyal and long-spanning manager and agent, and;
c) acquire her infamous best-friend...Jessica Rodriguez/Feshbach.
Whew...
But anyway...latest news is that Tom took Katie to dine with Penelope Cruz's parents...with no Penelope. I find this very odd. Man! Don't you just hate it when you think you've gotten engaged to the most normal, average, sweetest guy...and then after the engagement he starts to go all weird on you? Katie...Tom would have freaked me out had me at "hello"...

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Noel Gallagher Thinks Rap is Whack

According to MaleFirst, Noel Gallagher, obviously having gotten bored teasing relative lightweights Robbie Williams and Keane has moved on to bigger players...he says:

"I despise hip-hop. Loathe it. Eminem is an idiot and I find 50 Cent the most
distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life. It's so negative...
I'm not saying they are directly responsible, but that's how you end up with these
gangs of youths stabbing people. Kids are so thick these days. They're easily
influenced."

I couldn't agree more with you Noel..what the world needs more of...is people just like YOU! Last I heard, heavy cocaine use and alcoholism were the key elements in decreasing violent youth crime. Noel...you are the last bright light in an ever darkening, degenarating world.

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